these days.

i am mostly

alone,

and lonely.

that space where my heart was

is empty + sewn up,

preventing further

injuries.

dear blog,

i'm sorry i haven't written in a dog's age.  (i can't actually remember the last time i felt compelled to do so on here!  sorry, but i have to speak the truth.)

i promise to not neglect you so much this year.  2014 looks like a good year so far - i had a great time on new year's eve (which never happens, as i'm sure you know), and i got to see my baby nephew + my brother + his wife, and i have a roof over my head + a very modest amount of money in the bank.  (and chocolate.  ye gods do i have chocolate!)

i realized, having spent so much time away from writing + photographing + posting, that i've become much less worried about how i'm perceived, both in person, and online.  i'm beginning to find that sense of self that everyone i see around me has in spades, and although it's fragile, i'm going to nurture it, and give it time to grow.

that said, it's been too damn long since i've sent any beauty your way, and i have actually managed to take some polaroids in the past few months, so really, i simply need to conquer my insecurity + just get out there and SHOOT.

yours (always),

lindsay

-------------------

"everybody else is doing it, so why can't we?"  (aka my new year's resolutions for 2014 and forward)

- take a ceramics course
- start weaving
- learn to make neon signs
- continue the crafting i've started (macrame plant hangers, my crocheted slouchy hat, etc.)
- work on that photo project (the one i've been planning forever but never researching/executing)
- continue teaching myself latin
- apply for grad school (master's)
- get a job that fully uses my skills
- pay off a large amount of my debt
- move into my own space
- build my own theremin + learn to use it
- shoot more polaroid film
- write more poetry
- visit the library more often
- read a book a week

--------------------

and there you have it.  i'm back.

winter in my head, winter in my heart.

lately i've been finding myself

embracing the chill in the air

more than i normally would this time of year

(it's been a cool last few weeks here).

this is a very strange thing for me -

i used to live for the fuzzy summer nights,

where you could wear the same thing

as you wore in the daytime,

and not feel cold at all.

now, though, all i can think about

is crisp days, brisk winds, and overcast skies.

i dream of winter:

of fresh snow falling endlessly,

the utter silence of the nights,

the quiet crunching of cars

making their way through the drifts

on the way home.

i can't wait for it to be cold,

and i'm not really sure why.

so instead of trying to understand,

i'm leaving my window open,

letting the cold air filter into my bedroom,

and dreaming of winter storms.

identity.

"It's easier to take on a cover identity, and if that cover identity is rejected then you – who you truly are – remains intact. Maybe on some level it's all connected to the idea that, if you go in honestly and you're seen as who you are, that might not be enough."

- brit marling

i'm really grappling with this idea right now.

(also, how amazing is brit marling?!)

marina.

i swear

there are more polaroids coming...

but first,

more music.

this song really hit me hard.

it's hard to face

what's really going on inside,

most of the time.

but the truth is that

there are always more kind and wonderful people out there

than hurtful, hating ones.

sviib

maybe all i'm going to post anymore

are music videos...

anyway,

school of seven bells (sviib)

is kicking some serious

aural butt these days.

stuff like this heals me,

in some strange, sad way.

lush.

i've been listening to a lot of

my older music, lately.

this is a song i thought i'd share.

one of these days,

i'll feel up to taking + posting some polaroids,

but for right now

i'm at a complete visual standstill.

...i need to get out more.

siblings.

my brother + i,

rocking the 80s sunnies.

just because.

(i needed a pick-me-up.)

for years,

i've wanted to learn

to play a theremin.

it's one of the most hauntingly

beautiful instruments,

and i love how bizarre + unique it is.

it's out of my price range right now

(most things are)

but it is high on my list of

things to try out,

once i'm able to.

anyway,

here's an example of the instrument

being played - 

clara rockmore playing "berceuse"

by tchaikovsky.

(...she is so.good.)

pastlife.

sometimes

after years of not thinking about the past

you find yourself thinking about it

a lot.

sometimes you find photos

you didn't remember taking;

people who aren't in your life anymore

(but figured prominently in it then).

and you wonder

(after googling them + finding out they have

entire tumblrs devoted to them...?!)

if maybe they were secrets better kept

in the past...

heartache, heartbreak.

ok.

i think it's time to talk about it.

--------

a few weeks ago,

my partner of over 5 years

broke up with me.

it's been messy,

emotional and heartbreaking and confusing and awful.

i feel like i no longer know myself,

and i no longer know

where i belong.

currently i'm in ottawa,

trying to pick up the pieces

of my muddled heart,

and put together

some sort of future

for myself.

but it is really,

really

hard.

i keep seeing wedding photos,

couples on the street,

magazine articles

on how to "keep your man happy,"

car commercials!

and they all make me want

to do nothing but cry.

the upheaval that's come of this breakup

is so much crazier than i'd anticipated,

and i no longer have

someone to help me get through it,

someone to tell me it'll be alright,

someone to love me unconditionally,

like i did for half a decade.

so, like i said: rough.

anyway,

i just needed to get that out -

not for pity,

but for awareness.

---------

i'm still working on a proper launch

for my jewellery,

and the new site

(and logo!)

will be along shortly.

i'm so excited for the revamp,

i can't even say...

making beautiful things

for beautiful people to wear

is the ray of sunshine

in my life right now,

and keeping myself busy

is what's keeping me sane.

burn burn burn

i've pretty much had this on repeat

since i got back to ottawa.

off on a (goth) tangent...

so i've been listening to a lot of the bands

i used to listen to in high school...

and one in particular never gets old:

the fields of the nephilim.

not sure if it's their unique sound,

or the fact that they dress like cowboy goths,

or the fact that their lead singer is

drop-dead-gorgeous (see above),

but i think this is one band i'll be listening to

for life.

(here's hoping i didn't alienate anyone too much by letting my inner fangirl out...)

the dreamer - big cartel shop now open!

so i'm not sure if i mentioned it,

but i've switched over to

a big cartel shop

called the dreamer.

i find big cartel easier to use,

nicer to look at,

and more professional than etsy.

(i was also sick of seeing people

'favourite' my pieces

and then rip them off

2 weeks later...like i wouldn't notice!)

anyway!

please come have a look

(thedreamer.bigcartel.com)

as i've got some new pieces up

and a few on sale too.

thanks for your support!

i've been waiting for a while for this...

one of my idols

has a film coming out

about her.

i'm sure you've heard about her,

since she's been all over tv,

but i first found

vivian maier

on john's blog, late one night two years ago,

and became completely obsessed.

i'm so happy she's getting

the attention her work deserves,

but i'm sad she's not here

to receive that recognition

herself.

she was an incredible

- absolutely incredible -

photographer.

holiday shots, part 2

more shots from my visit to ottawa

this past christmas.

i really love the reflection shots

(#3 and #6)

because they remind me

of why i started taking photos

in the first place:

to truly capture

what i saw.

--------------

more polaroid shots will be coming shortly!

i finally ordered the 5v battery

i need to start running my

land cameras,

so get ready for some peel-apart

beauties as soon as that arrives.

holiday shots, part 1.

on my last day in ottawa,

i decided to go cross-country skiing

(for the first time in 16 years!)

with my parents.

we took the parkway into chelsea,

and ended up skiing through

the most picture-perfect scenery

on the most beautiful winter day:

snowy trees, branches covered and hanging low,

creeks half-frozen, glinting in the sunlight,

and the calmness and serenity

of the gatineau hills,

surrounding us on all sides.

it was like we'd stepped into

a magical winter wonderland!

and it made such an impression

i know i'll remember it

for years to come...

(i'm so glad i thought

to bring my DLSR along!)

closedown.

this is the first time

in months

i've even thought

about posting a polaroid.

i haven't shot one

since the summertime,

and (as awful as it sounds)

it was a great break;

very much needed.

i'm hoping i'll be able to grab

some of the new impossible films

to start the new year off right,

but if i don't

i'm not going to sweat it anymore.

i've got so much on my plate already,

and life is always worth living

in the present.

see you in 2013!

catch-up!

almost ready for bed,

but just had to post

something!

i'm trying to get my

polaroid 440 up + working

(battery mod, fixing light leaks, etc.)

so i can post some fun shots here

again, but so far

i'm behind.

(what else is new?)

-------------

i'm also gearing up for xmas...

it's seriously one of my

favourite holidays

(ok, it's my only fav)

and i can't wait to get started

on decorations for our place.

--------------

i've been baking up a storm, too!

cheese biscuits, chocolate sour cream cake,

store-bought pumpkin pie...

(ok, that last one doesn't count, but it was

terribly delicious!)

what's everyone else been up to?

plus ça change...

things are changing

so quickly

around here,

and i feel like

i'm moving in slow motion,

just trying to

catch up.

i'm planning a huge change

on this blog,

with my business,

which i hope to show you all

soon.

thanks for staying patient.